Tested

Wow... So you ever notice how just when you think you think you have a handle on things and your faith is REALLY strong  something will happen to test that?

Just last Thursday, Bobby & I had an awesome meeting with our pediatrician (message me for a referral, because she really is AMAZING). We have always loved her for being an unapologetic straight shooter. But one who genuinely comes from a place of respect and care for her patients and families and who will freely admit where she herself has struggled. Anyway... She gave us some great advice on how to handle talking about this new health hurdle with the boys (James in particular). We learned that although we were using more kid friendly words, we were probably over sharing about the situation in ways that aren't developmentally appropriate. She really pushed us to consider how our own anxiety (mostly my anxiety about the boys) and worry might fuel our kid's anxiety. Then she reminded me that anxiety is fear and fear is the absence of trust in God.

Wow... Talk about conviction. Here I was feeling like I was doing a great job trusting God about the surgery and all our travel plans.... But at the same time I was consumed with worry about the boys and frantically trying to control the situation by planning for any and all possible issues. I realized that I have to trust God with the boys and my dad the same way I trust Him with my surgery. Once I did that...it was major. My mom even said it was noticeable... Like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Seriously.... This is why we LOVE our doc...talk about pointing the way to Jesus.

Fast forward to 2:30 pm the following day when an insurance case coordinator drops a bombshell on me that she got an email that Stanford is "non-par Blue" (out of network) as of September 1.  She had no details and offered me no help to find answers on how this might actually affect me... Would it delay my surgery? Would the costs be more than we can afford now? Will it mean I can't have the surgery?!

All I knew was that Stanford had closed for the weekend and HMSA would be closed in just about an hour. I went into full on angry panic mode. First calling HMSA customer service then her supervisor. By the end of the day I had some answers (not all encouraging... But definitely not worst case scenario bad) and found out Stanford's insurance department would be open on Saturday morning. In my new calmer state, I realize that this situation had never really been in my control. I had done everything I could to make this happen and I had to trust God for the rest. 

Thanks to everyone who prayed for and with me last week, I knew God was working on me and growing me through this whole experience. Although to is totally human to worry, I was able to make the conscious decision to kick worry to the curb and to focus my eyes on the cross instead.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

UPDATE:  God was faithful once again and through very helpful folks at BOTH Stanford and HMSA we were able to figure out what was going on and that I will, in fact, be covered for the surgery!  I was also able to share what I learned with others in the Moyamoya patient community and maybe help someone else too!